1.26.2012

The Doctor

It's been a long, long time since I've had an excursion with the littles like I had at the doctor earlier this week.  Since the PCP went off to Kindergarten and I generally run about with just the baby in tow, I am quite obviously out of practice.  Alas, I suppose I was due.  I'm going to dub this picture "terrorists in disguise."
Here's how our 3- and 6-year check-ups went down...

After the nurse asked the requisite questions and made the obligatory measurements, she sent us back to our little pen to dress down to the undies.  And as I stand there urging them to sit and undress in my nicest possible mean voice (just in case those rooms are bugged or videoed to monitor parenting skills) they are making an obstacle course out of the room.  Jump on the bench, climb on the table, leap off, run around the stool, repeat.  And repeat.  And repeat again.  By the time I catch them and start undressing them myself, the doctor is coming in the room and John yells out the two words that instantly trigger madness and mayhem in my littles... "UNDIE MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  Please take a moment to picture my two littles, clad in nothing but their undies, making all sorts of super hero moves, poses and leaps, yelling "UNDIE MAN" at the top of their lungs while the doctor stares on.  oy.

By the grace of God, they calm down and the doctor starts "interviewing" John.  Let's just say things went much better when Mommy got to answer the questions.
Doctor: John, do you play outside?
John: Not really.  (HUH????????  Have you seen the gazillion pictures of my littles playing outside in sun, rain, sleet and snow??  They play out side e.v.e.r.y.d.a.y.  If for nothing else but to keep ME sane.)
Doctor: Oh.  I see.  Do you like to watch tv?
John: Yes.  I love it.  It's my favorite thing.  (Really?  I'll give you that the baby adores the tele, but John does not and never has.  I'm not even sure that he's seen a full episode of a single cartoon.  Ever.)
Doctor:  Well, we're going to have to limit your screen time to one hour a day. (As he gives me the evil, you're a bad mommy accusatory glance.)
John:  *whining*  Ohhhhhhhhhh noooooooooo.  Not fair.  This is so unfair.  One hour?  Please, please don't do it.  Pllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssseeeeeeeeeee.

While I'm frantically trying to think of a way to change the subject (and the doctor is ignoring my protests that he DOES play outside), the baby steps in.  He bends over right in front of the doctor and pulls down his undies in the back.  And like fifteen toys fall out.  Really.  I could NOT make this stuff up.  Three pirate eye patches, three mini swords, a pirate flag, his Disney World Key to the World card, the medal off of a soccer award, two K'nex connectors, a pirate coin and a short piece of Thomas the Train track.  The worst part of all?  Definitely the mini sword that I had to manually extract from between his cheeks with the doctor looking on. If things hadn't been so chaotic I surely would have noticed this extra load and have been able to discretely deal with the issue.  Needless to say, the littles find this completely HYSTERICAL.  John is bellowing about how Cookie pooped out pirate swords and Cookie is trying to shove it all back in his undies and I am trying to wrestle it away from Cookie to put in my purse while urging John to stop saying "poop."  I must've been as red as a beet at this point because I can certainly say that I was completely mortified.  Being so mortified, I was NOT about to take out my phone and immortalize the incident on film.  Instead, I snapped this one of the "undie loot" once we arrived back home and I emptied out my purse.
That episode behind us, it's time for the baby's interview.  It went something like this...
Doctor: What's your name?
Whit:  Whit.
(Me: whew!  This is going to go well.  Things are definitely looking up.)
Doctor: How old are you?
Whit:  Twenty.
(Me: Scratch that.)
Doctor:  Twenty??  Really, how old are you?
Whit: Twenty.
Doctor: You just had a birthday.  How old did you turn?
Whit.  I. TWENTY.
(Doctor frantically types away in his little laptop thingy.)
Doctor:  You're three, Whit.  Now, are you a boy or a girl?
Whit: I adult.
Doctor: If you're an adult, what am I?
Whit.  A doctor.

Oh, and the whole time he's hopping around on one foot because the doctor had asked John to demonstrate this ability and Cookie evidently found it quite attractive.

We wrapped up shortly after that exchange.  The doctor proclaimed the boys "completely normal and healthy" as he whisked out of the room.  (If THAT was "normal and healthy", I shudder to think at what "wild and bad" must look like.)  Really, I shouldn't have been surprised at any of this.  It's like something about me is exuding the immense desire to show off my perfectly groomed (we put on all clean clothes, brushed teeth, made appropriate bribes for good behavior, etc.) well mannered children at the doctor.  And my littles pick up on this signal and decide to thwart my plans if it's the last thing they do.  Isn't that like the law of mommy-hood or something?

Oh, and I'd love a little peek into our permanent record.  I can only imagine the things it must say.
xoxo

17 comments:

Melissa said...

Hilarious! Thanks for sharing with us!

Calypso In The Country said...

Hysterical. I am sitting here laughing because I have been through similar scenes with my kids! And the more you try to calm them down and make them say what you want, the worse they get! When my younger son was 4 and getting a shot, he decided that was the time to try out a bad word he caught me saying once. Yes, he heard it once, like 3 weeks before and chose that moment to shout it out. Lovely. It was fun trying to explain where he heard that...Thanks for sharing your funny story!
-Shelley

mollybeau said...

You just made my morning! Thanks for sharing!!

tablerbunch said...

This is hilarious!!! I DREAD taking both boys to the doctor. By the time we get back in the car I'm sweating from stress :)

Sues said...

HYSTERICAL!!! I'm glad I'm not the only one! My kids pulled the same untrue "we watch TV more than play outside" gag when they saw a specialist this fall, and I about DIED! Whit's underwear treasure trove is PRICELESS, though!!! Completely untoppable!!!!! :-D

Jackie said...

This had me dying!!! Thanks for a fabulous laugh!!!! Children just adore embarrassing their Mommies!!! My oldest around the age of 4 said in front of a group that I was pregnant with him before Daddy and Mommy were married. Which is NOT true!!!! Soooooo embarrassing!!

callie burnette said...

OMG - i am dying!!!!! this is the funniest thing i have read in quite some time. i don't know what my favorite part is, the sword hidden in the tush, cookie proclaiming he's 20, john's begging for more tv...hope you found a cocktail very shortly after this episode, blog-ff. xo

Dotti said...

Dear Amanda Darling,
I laughed so hard at this post that I cried! And the worse thing is that I know this is exactly true, with no embellishments! I have seen these 2 in action too many times myself! Well, I love them to pieces anyway. And I can vouch that they do go outside and play everyday..........even in terrible weather....because I have frozen outside with you and your hooligans!

Lori said...

You poor girl! Now if we were all there with you sure we would have had to stiffle our grins, but we know better! Mine are all over twenty but I'm curious how long doc have been doing this. Most my ped. ever did was ask the kids how are you! Times have changed, curious what mine would have said. P,S Mine were always chicken at the doc!LOL Lori

Cassandra Britt said...

So funny! We have all been there. During one appointment when my oldest was supposed to get a shot, he burst out of the room, ran down the hall and hid under the doctor's desk. I had to drag him out kicking and screaming. Good luck next year!

Designs By Pinky said...

OMG, it is almost time for bed and I know I am going to burst out laughing later and hubby will ask, what's so funny and I won't be able to explain!!!!!!!!!! This was hysterical.....and you will see that in about 20 years:):):) XO, Pinky

Emily @ Bentobloggy.com said...

SO funny, A! Thanks for the good laugh!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! It is so boring waiting in the little room to see the doctor. Your boys sound creative and fun. Whit's underwear present is priceless and his answer to the doctor was smart. What a funny story.

Jaima of Ring Around the Rosies said...

omg... I would have died. That is HILARIOUS! I'm sure it wasn't at the time, but it'll be a good post to pull out when their kids make them pay!!!

Fiona, LilyfieldLife said...

this made me laugh so much. it's always the way.

Syndi of Beachnut Lane said...

OMG I will never drink coffee while reading a blog ever again. I just burst out laughing so hard I sprayed it all over my keyboard! So hysterical and so typical of the stuff kids do. I love it! (And I love your writing style!)

Anonymous said...

Oh, you're doctor visit recap is hysterical and brings back some memories! I have two boys and I feel for you. My now 20-year-old son had a growth hormone deficiency when he was young. So I took him to an endrocrinologist as part of a prerequisite "let's see if he qualifies for growth hormone therapy" appointment, and the doctor asked my son what I fed him. Imagine my horror when he said, "My mom makes me drink Slimfast shakes." Now I admit that was true, but the shakes were in addition to the three fattening, healthy meals plus snacks I made sure he ate every day!

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